Updated: Sep 29, 2020
I want to caution everyone: this may be a hard read, TRIGGER WARNING! It may trigger some real deep emotions. You may not be able to hear the voices in my head as I write this, but I hope that my humor and understanding of my earlier life shows in this post.
I woke up from a horrible nightmare that played on repeat for years; it was literally the worst time of my life. I can close my eyes and still imagine it all. I was 22, fresh out of college, not quite evicted from my apartment and dating someone I would soon settle down and start a family with (did I mention: unemployed, accruing student loan debt + interest, and living in my moms spare room). I don't need to go into too much detail, but I think you can catch the gist of what I am saying.
I was super unhappy, depressed and feeling so alone while surrounded by people I thought loved me. I'm really not sure how I got stuck in this replaying nightmare of never achieving my hopes and dreams.
It took years to pull me out... in fact, it took me to a place of darkness I wish on no one, ever.
I remember the morning so vividly, the arguing and the feeling of worthlessness. I was young. Naive even, and full of so much rage. This rage was growing inside of me and I was taking out all this anger that built up inside of me, because it was better than actually seeking help.
That day was the new day to starting my life over. I'll spare most of the details in this post. However, I will speak openly about it in my group, Transformational Weight Loss Support.
I will share that this was the day I involuntarily checked myself into the hospital (see what I did there) to gather my thoughts and care for myself.
I spent three days in psychiatric hospital after accidentally and purposefully cutting myself.
I never thought that pain could be released in such a way, until I started it in my very late teen years. It realized feelings inside of me that I surrendered to the pain of a blade touching my skin. All while going to school to become a counselor.
I remember being in the hospital and thinking, "I cut myself so deep that I needed to be there, who does that?"
To make matters worse, the woman in the emergency room thought I meant "I cut myself" was from shaving... and I almost got away with just leaving there embarrassed. Why I even thought that would be the case, was beyond me (insert faceplate emoji here).
I was now on the gurney in the emergency room, this was not a private room either. I remember being so embarrassed as I heard the doctor talking with the nurse as she placed 13 stitches in one wound and surgical glue in the other.
It went something like this, "This patient didn't cut herself shaving, why isn't she in the psychiatric emergency room, she doesn't belong here." From there, they argued back and forth over me, as she stitched me up and the other women just shrugged her shoulders saying, "How was I supposed to know."
All I could think about while hearing this doctor was, "Umm, Hello! I am still alive, right here and I can hear you, you stupid b*tch" However, I kept it simple and introjected by telling her, "I never told her I cut myself shaving, I told her "I cut myself with a razor." She just didn't listen to what I was saying, as I had to tell her what happened in front of a waiting room full of people.
When I tell you, I was mortified... and even more so when I was told I was going to be admitted into the hospital, there are real no words to explain the knots in my stomach and how sick I felt.
Once I actually got onto the psychiatric floor, I ended up getting extremely sick and practically having a nervous break down (for the second time that day, cause lets face it... cutting myself was an all time low, the treatment I received in the ER was something I wouldn't wish on anyone and now I am sick to my stomach).
I spent years repairing my body, my mind, my beliefs and creating the person I knew I was capable of becoming.
For me, it was easy to put the razor down and back away from it quickly! I never picked up an object of self harm again, unless you consider food to be that enemy of self harm.
I spent years of yo-yoing my weight (which wasn't a new issue for me), in disbelief that I was really worth being healthy and loved!
This coming year marks the 13th year of believing I am worth it, and about 5 years of actually putting that belief in motion.
I can not explain the cosmic shift that started to happen that day I cut myself way too deep... to the point of needing lots of medical attention. It was like the universe was sending out a big ol' SOS, and I received it loud and clear that day.
I made it out, I embrace my past, and I am ready to stand here and expose my inner most secrets. Because YOU shouldn't walk ALONE in the DARKNESS!