I've been debating this blog post for weeks. I have been staying up until 2 am most evenings during quarantine and believe it or not, you rarely hear me talk about being stuck at home with nothing to do. I used this time to launch my private practice, a coaching business for women who want to lose weight or are struggling with weight gain after bariatric surgery. I also expanded my practice to running a short REBOOT program for ALL PEOPLE who need that kick and even have a coaching call program about skin removal.
However, that's not why I am writing today.
Today I am writing because I feel lost, I am stressed the F*ck out and my body feels it, my skin is crawling. I am someone who may be stressed in a particular situation, maybe I get anxious at times and a bit tense, but it doesn't last long. It just disappears and I am back to being calm, cool and collective. But the past two weeks, I have been a rollercoaster of emotions and not sure where to even turn to, because my main job, my career and my lifestyle are just kinda UP IN THE AIR.
As we approach the start of school, we start off at home again. I received word just last week from our school district that ALL kids will start from home and that all staff will be going into the classroom. Way to put a wrench into everything... I can't really explain the fear this brought to the surface for me.
What does that mean for me? How do I compartmentalize this? How do I voice my feelings of frustration, anger and sadness... not only for my child, for my students, for what was supposed to be an amazing year, my career and everyones lifestyle changes.
I am losing sleep over this! Mostly because I don't feel as though I can win in any of it. No matter my decision, someone gets the short end of the stick and I'm not sure everyone has done what they could do to make this situation BEST for everyone involved.
I'm a single momma, raising my 10 year old daughter... very much ALONE. I have help and support from friends and family, but it's not often I get a baby sitter, relative or a friend to shout "OH, Me... I'll take her," My daughter isn't the easiest either. There are days she barely gets up from the couch, she blasts out shrikes at the top of her lungs, twitches her nose and eyes and struggles just to be a happy camper. Most of this was and may always be, simply Gia (and autism) and on the other hand... COVID has set in for her and she is anxious, depressed and unmotivated.
So here I am, torn between returning to my office in a school, scrambling to find child care... or taking a leave of absence and coming back to double the work when I return. I can't really share in words what my emotional state really is. All I know, is that it is NOT ME!
How my stress manifests is through my skin. I have skin rashes and irritation that won't go away, my hair tends to thin and I sometimes find my smile being deprived of beaming ear to ear. I'm known as the cheerleader, the manifesting queen of all things good and glorious... but even the strong are sometimes weak.
I sit and type this as I try to sleep, however, my body keeps me up. I try to think of ways to get back to work, but I wonder if that will ever happen. I lose hope, but remain faithful that the right decisions will find me in the darkest of places.
I know I can not be alone in this feeling. I know that others understand this pain. I know there are working families out there struggling and there are single momma's in positions far worse than I am in. This was supposed to be the year that I dug myself out of a financial hole, the year that the Phoenix rises and comes back stronger... I'm beginning to think that may have to be postponed a few more months...
For me, I know how far I have come and how hard I have worked to be where I am... I just don't want to take 5 steps backwards when I have been climbing this mountain for years. I finally made it to the top to see the sun setting, please don't make me wait another day!
Sometimes, even the strongest are weak.